Twilit's Guide to Annoy the Akatsuki Annoyed
by Twilitassassin13
Summary: Discontinued.
1. Deidara

TWILIT'S GUIDE TO ANNOYING THE AKATSUKI

I don't own Naruto or Aerosmith. Or Deidara's speech impediment.

_**Deidara**_

"Dei-Dei, are you a woman?" you ask innocently. Deidara raises his head and glares at you, still angry about the fact that you stole his eyeliner and hair tie.

"Jashin dammit, I'm a guy, un!!" he screams at you, trying to attack. You sidestep it easily and shake your finger at him.

"Uh-uh-uh, Dei-chan, did Sasori get you pregnant? Or was it Itachi? You've been mood swinging lately, un." You grin at this and decide to turn up the radio so as to ignore Deidara and a sleepy Hidan's swearing.

Aerosmith blares loudly from the speakers.

_(That, that) Dude looks like a lady!_

_(That, that) Dude looks like a lady!_

Deidara stomps over and smashes it.

"Why did you do that?! I was so considerately playing your theme song, yeah!" you say, frowning. Deidara freezes.

"What did you just say, un?" he demands icily, staring at you.

"Oh, nothing, un. Why, hmm?"

"…You're… Copying… My… Impediment…" he chokes out, looking ready to explode.

"Not the nicest man-lady I've met," you say lightly.

He molds clay into the shape of a bird. If you kept going on, he'd blast you for sure.

He tries to strangle you like he does daily to Tobi.

"I… Am… A… Dude… Not… A… Woman… Un!" he screams. You loosen his grip coolly.

"Huh. And here I was, about to take you to a fireworks show. I thought you'd like it, it's done by a master of pyrotechnics. Aw well, maybe I'll invite Tobi, or Sasori… And it's only for one night. It promised to be spectacular," you say loftily, breaking his grip completely.

You march off until he grabs your shoulder and whirls you around.

"Uh… Sorry, yeah! I don't know you were going to take me to it! I'm sorry, hmm!" he apologizes quickly, looking you in the eyes.

"Oh, it's okay, Deidara-chan," you say. Then you hand him this list and grab the camera, watching as his face grows steadily redder.

Deidara- I am going to kill you, un.

Twilit- I think I'd better run.

Deidara- You should, yeah. Starting now.

Twilit… Okay then.

Deidara- Why aren't you running?

Twilit- … Tobi is a good boy!

Deidara- TOBI?!?!!?

Tobi transforms into himself.

Twilit- On computer- Nice. My personal scapegoat.

Please review! Any reviews or criticisms are welcome! Flames, not so much! XD


	2. Hidan

**TWILIT'S GUIDE TO ANNOYING THE AKATSUKI**

**I obviously don't own Naruto or anything else mentioned here. T_T**

_**Hidan**_

"Hey Hidan. Can you do me a favor and read this to me?" you ask, handing the Jashinist a piece of paper, printed from the computer.

"…You can fucking see."

"I need glasses?" you say hopefully.

"Or, they're broken." Hidan grunts and clears his throat, getting ready to read what he doesn't know is yaoi.

"…"

Scanning the paper with a look of disgust and disbelief, Hidan throws it aside and steps menacingly toward you.

Thinking quickly, you grab two knives…

And put them in the shape of a cross, screaming,

"Be gone, demon!"

"What the fucking hell?" Hidan asks, pausing.

You lower your eyes and grab a necklace from your pockets.

"Sorry, Hidan. Would this make up for it?" you ask cautiously, handing him a pendant. He studies the design.

"A Jashin pendant?" he asks in confusion, looking at the iron-gray pendant as apposed to the gold rosary he wears.

"Yeah. Well, it's not a Jashinist's rosary. It's actually a holy cross." you smile broadly as he drops it like it burned him.

"YOU FUCKING BASTARD! THAT'S A CRIME AGAINST JASHIN! I AM GOING TO TEAR YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF-" he screams, not noticing what you grab.

You slap him with the raw steak.

"WHAT THE FUCK!?!" he yells as the icy meat slap him, leaving a trail of red. You take this as an opportunity to sing to his theme, since he appears to be bleeding.

"I bleed it out diggin' deeper just to throw it away!" you sing, accompanying your iPod.

Hidan grabs the plugs from your ears and yanks them out.

"Holy fuck!" you swear. Hidan grins. Then as he hears you carry on like he does, he frowns.

"Quit it." For once, you do.

"Hidan, wanna watch a movie with me?" you ask.

"Fucking bipolar much?" Hidan grunts, then follows you to the living room.

------Two Hours of Twilight Later------

You give Hidan a strange look.

"What the hell do you want?" he asks irritably.

"YOU'RE A VAMPIRE CUZ YOU'RE IMMORTAL!" you scream, running into the kitchen. He sighs, follows you, and reaches tiredly for the aspirin.

"Look, I'm not having the fucking greatest day," he says, throwing the pills into his mouth and grabbing the water.

You wait for him to continue as he wipes his mouth on his arm.

"Between you and my perverted fucktard partner sending me love notes-" he pauses to shudder as you grin behind you hand, who knew you were that good at copying handwriting?

"As I said, not the fucking greatest day of my existence." He continues to rant, getting louder and sneaking more expletives into his speech. You spray him with water.

"What the hell?" he asks angrily.

"That was holy water," you clarify.

"YOU LITTLE BITCH, I'M NOT CHRISTIAN! I AM A JASHINIST! I SWEAR, I AM GOING TO USE YOU AS MY NEXT SACRIFICE, YOU FUCKFACE WH-"

You distract him by sneaking a piece of paper on the table and, while he looks at the list you dropped, you take his rosary and scythe and RUN LIKE HELL.

Hidan- I AM GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU, YOU BITCH!

Twilit- …Shut up and -crosses a hockey stick and baseball bat in the shape of a cross- BEGONE! WHAPAH!

Hidan- WHAT THE FUCK?!

Twilit- Uh, George Lopez?

-Alternate dimension-

Angie- Is there something wrong George?

George- I sense a disturbance… Somewhere a Jashinist and a fanfiction authoress are fighting…

Benny- So?

George Lopez- And the authoress is winning.

Benny- Oh, George thinks he has psychic powers! I'm leaving and I'm takin' mah beer.

George Lopez- Please review! WHAPAH!


	3. Sasori

TWILIT'S GUIDE TO ANNOYING THE AKATSUKI

I don't own anything, from Naruto to the Teletubbies to 'Puppet' to iPods. I do have one, though.

_**Sasori**_

"I hate to be kept waiting," you said boredly from Sasori's bedroom door. He looked up and his left eye twitched.

"Why are you dressed like me?" he asks. You shrug and peeled off the cloak and wig. Don't worry, you wore clothes under the cosplay costume.

"Give me my cloak or die," he says angrily. You shrugged at the threat.

"Do I have to get the termites out?" you ask casually, watching with glee as he looks scared.

You keep on staring at him.

"_What?_" Sasori asked testily. You walked over to his collection of stuffed animals and selected a small scorpion he slept with at night. You placed it in his hands and smiled.

"Aw, you're so cute!" you coo, holding up a chibi Sasori picture and glancing between it and the grown-up real thing.

He scowls, grabs the picture and shreds it with a kunai. He slams the door in your face. You decide to annoy Deidara.

---2 Minutes Later---

"Sasi-kun, Deidara's gone crazy and is trying to kill me!" you sniffle, eyes wide. You cuddle up to Sasori, using him to hide you. He shoves you out, not caring whether Deidara murders you or not.

"Danna, you're so mean!" you shout, pounding on the door. He opens the door a slit, then opens it wider, yanking you inside. He works quietly on finding his puppets until he hears a certain boy-man giggling with glee.

"Come see! Tobi made Hiruko pretty!" he calls cheerfully. Sasori opens the door with horror, revealing Tobi 'riding' Hiruko, who was scorched and had Konan's makeup and one of her dresses on it.

"You gave him my puppets… You really gave him my puppets…" Sasori says, eyes closed and a vein sticking out anime-style on his forehead.

A huge _BOOM_ follows as Sasori's eyes open wide and a wind blows his hair and yours around.

"…I am going to kill you," Sasori says in a quiet monotone.

You shrink away from him and hand him a ticket.

"Sorry, Sasori. Would a ticket to a puppet show make up for it?" you ask fearfully. He nods happily and sets off to see the show.

----About an Hour Later----

Sasori stomps into the base, coming into his room, where you were still listening to the myriad of songs from his iPod.

"The Teletubbies?! You had to buy me a ticket for that?!" he yells without warning, taking the ear buds from your ears. You merely grinned, handed him this list, and grabbed the camera.

Sasori- …*Death glare at Twilit*

Twilit- Wow, you actually didn't kill the reader. Count me as amazed.

Sasori- *Death glare at Twilit*

Twilit- *Uncomfortable*

Sasori- I am going to massacre you.

Twilit- Come on, Sasori! _Stop fronting, you're just a puppet!!_

Sasori- JUST a puppet?!

-Fade out on arguing between marionette and Authoress-

Deidara- Please review, un!


	4. Itachi

TWILIT'S GUIDE TO ANNOYING THE AKATSUKI

I don't own Naruto T_T. I'm gonna keep tryin', though!!!

_**Itachi**_

"Oh hey- OMG!!" Kisame says, greeting you. You merely grin and finger the pitch-black and bloodred streaks in your hair. Itachi sits up from where he was napping on the couch. He scowls as the rest of Akatsuki quickly surround you and start talking about your hair, drawing the attention from Itachi's hair. He gets up wearily, then you see this as an opportunity to do something you've wanted to do for a long time.

Glomping Itachi, you scream in his ear, "Ita-kun, I can't wait to meet your parents!!" Slowly he turns his head to look at you.

"My name is Itachi, and I murdered my clan and parents," he says in a quiet, dangerous tone, the bloodred Sharingan spinning as he readies it.

"Oh, so you're a murderer, I don't go out with murderers," you say with a frown. You jump off Itachi as he starts chasing you.

"By the Holy Lord, this doth maketh Sein seem as a harmless kit!" you yell, hoping to confuse him.

(A/N- Translation: OMG, this makes Sein seem like a kitten!) Itachi stops in his tracks.

"What?" he asks with confusion. You start laughing, then remember what else you did, besides get your hair dyed.

"Oh yeah, happy birthday, Itachi! I got you a present!" you chirp with a grin, holding out a long, narrow box. He snags it from you with caution, sits down on the couch, and tears off the bow and wrapping paper.

He lifts the lid of the box and holds up the cane and the black sunglasses as Deidara starts laughing uproariously.

He gives a long, aggravated sigh and grabs his black iPod, putting the ear buds in and pressing play, then jumps up and claws his ears until they come out.

'Weasel Stomping Day' blares from the small headphone-things, then Itachi glares furiously at you, eyes tearing from the assault on his ears.

"Are you okay, Itachi-sama?" Kisame asks worriedly.

"What? I can't hear, speak up," Itachi says loudly in response.

"I said, are you okay?" Kisame asks loudly.

"I can't hear because of that fuckface!" he says, pointing at you.

You smile angelically in answer to his murderous glare.

"I SAID, ARE YOU OKAY!" Kisame yells in his ear.

"Goddammit Kisame, you don't have to scream!" Itachi says, grimacing at the noise.

You hand him his card you made (A weasel in a cloak and nukenin Leaf headband with Sharingan and stress lines) and he rips it up, missing the piece of paper you slipped in there.

He holds it closely to his face and scans it, throwing it aside with the intention to kill.

You lock yourself in Pein's room until he calms down (three days later).

Itachi- …Hn.

Twilit- I speak Itachi-ese, I can translate.

Itachi - Hn.

Twilit's Translation (TT)- I fuck Kisame nightly.

Itachi- What the hell?!

TT- What? I'm gay.

Itachi- Shut up Twilit-baka!

TT- Twilit's my idol, she's awesome and she's a better ninja than I, Weasel, am!!

Itachi- I'm gonna kill you Twilit!

Twilit- Wow! More than three words!! Now, Itachi, try for six words!! Come on, boy!

Itachi- *Takes out kunai*

Twilit- O.O I'm out.

Zetsu- Please review! **Or not. Your choice. I'll eat you if you don't. ***sigh* Sorry for my dark side.

…**I'm not.**


End file.
